Past, Present, Future

Note: This is the hopefully equal, probably not better second draft of a blog that I thought was going to be published about five minutes ago. I will say nothing more than: Curse you, NAU Central Authentication Service.

Back to the good stuff.

I was reading through an old journal of mine the other day- you know, the kind that I was all gung-ho about when I first got it, and then preceded to fill up about a tenth of the pages with my thoughts until I kicked the habit. I came across one particular poem while I was taking a walk down memory lane, and, I must say, it presented me with much more to think about than just the nostalgic feeling i was expecting. The poem went like this-

I want to be more,

Not just two hands on a clock,

Ticking relentlessly,

Waiting for shock.

More,

I refuse to live betting on races

Whose winners have

Unrecognizable faces.

I'll work for the change,

I'll sweat for the difference,

I'll make people see past

their ignorant inference.

Apathy's a pandemic

that will not infect me.

I'm determined to be everything

that I can be.

And I don't expect the whole world to believe it,

But More's always there, you just have to retrieve it.

---

The "More" that I was so passionately referring to was, in a nutshell, talent. I wanted to prove to everyone around me that I was good enough, and that in fact I would end up being something probably better and more successful than they were.

Geez.

How can it be that something that was so deeply a part of me a couple of years ago can resonate just as fully now, when I feel like a completely different person?

I think it's because while reading I redefined a key word in that piece. I took "more" from it's previous meaning, self-progress and self-glory, and turned it seeking more for myself so that I can be more for others, and ultimately more for God.

The big difference, though, is that a couple of years ago "more" was concrete. It was a stationary goal that I would reach and remain at. Now "more" is so...liquid. It's something that I can't get a decent grip on and it's so frustrating and so beautiful at the same time.

So I still identify with what I wrote a while back, except for the last couple of lines. I decided to rewrite them to more accurately reflect how I view the rest of the piece.

And I'll give myself for the world to recieve it,

For More's always there, you just need to believe it.

---

I wonder how I'll read this poem a few years from now..