I'm so very confused right now. You gave me this passion, just a few weeks, ago, and now- what did You do with it?! I'm going through the motions, trying to understand and live out what it is I thought You put me here for. But that's really it nowadays. Going through the motions.
You gave me this deep desire to love- really love- through action and not just my thoughts or words. What happened? Now I'm just practicing three hours a day to catch up from all that procrastinating I did during the opera, not visiting homeless people every night or even taking the time to put some thought into how ethical a consumer I am.
You gave me this longing to know You more- I still have that longing, but I feel like I'm not really getting anywhere.
And You gave me this idea- more like planted it, really. Seminary, God? Whoa. Talk about throwing me for a loop. So I went with it, God, I watered the quite large seed you planted, and when KC asked me to talk a couple of times during the sermon, I said of course and I spoke. But why didn't anything moving or life-changing come out of my mouth? Aren't those the kind of things that pastor's say?
I'm taking a firm stance in apathy, God, and why are You letting this happen.
Oh, ha. Right.
I have to do at least some of the work.
Living for You doesn't mean simply saying that my life is now officially Yours, God. It's officially taking every minute to remind You that we mean business.
Great post, Jess. I think you speak for a lot of people (me included) who feel stuck when it comes to practically applying the urge God gives us to go out into the world. You're absolutely right, though, we need to mean business or we'll never move into a deeper relationship with God.
ReplyDeleteI pray you find your path.
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ReplyDeleteI like your honest fire Jess, keep it comin'. I'll pay forward the food for thought...
ReplyDeleteHot and cold, mountains and valleys, light and dark--can't have one without the other. You don't expect your seed to blossom over night do you? You'll be a stronger plant if you can make it through all the seasons.
By the way... please write more blogs :)
Try accepting. I know that probably is not what you want to hear and its not something I really wanted to hear either but if you accept your life as is with all the curve balls and everything maybe you will find what you are looking for. Don't live your life for you or for Gd alone live it to find a meaning in both.
ReplyDeleteSo where are you now my dear? Where has God taken you? The depths of a valley or to a peak of faithfulness...
ReplyDelete